People in love make me want to vomit
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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