I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
