I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
