Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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