Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
