Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Randomize
