Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
