Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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