He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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