Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
