While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
