Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
