Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
