One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
