I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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