I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Randomize
