I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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