got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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