smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
