i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
