I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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