i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize