he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
