i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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