There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
