cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
