Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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