in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
