He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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