put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
