shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
