remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
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