Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
