Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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