I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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