I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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