I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize