did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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