WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
