I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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