drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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