when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
