My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
