I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
