I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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