Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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