My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize