she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
