I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
