My first STD was from a foam party
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
