i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
