I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize