Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
