There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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