I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
