I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
