I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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