The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
