So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
