if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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