so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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